Christmas Card: I've been watching GI Joe

So sometime in May I discovered that Hasbro had posted the entirety of the original run of GI Joe. I've known for a very long time people need different sorts of TV for different moods, and when I need something that causes no stress and demands no effort: for some, that's some reality soap, and rock on if it is, but for me, one of those shows is the original GI Joe. Having watched the whole run, I think it's one of the funniest TV shows of the 1980s; but I also came away with a respect for it that I didn't have before.

You may ask what is going on here, and the answer to that is 'Tuesday'.

I think the show's makers did a good job; most episodes are completely insane. Given the source material and the constraints of children's TV programming, (not the least of which is 'making things intelligible to small children) I'm convinced "insane" was the correct approach - 'insane' is preferable to 'boring', every time. This helps that the show's antagonist organization, Cobra, is a completely wild: a cross of ruthless supervillian ambition and Amway. Cobra as an organization is so rich one wonders why it bothers creating weather dominators or mind control schemes, but one where the goons are unionized and furthermore have a comprehensive health care plan. Cobra Commander is a character that soon becomes hilarious. He's a man who seems to have been given a monkey's paw that he made three greedy yet unwise wishes with, and has the option to reverse those wishes, but refuses to because he's insulted by the implication he wished unwisely. His war against the world is a quest to get everything denied him by the monkey paw when it granted him infinite wealth, perfect anonymity, and his own private army. He addresses the United States by TV every month or two. He's sometimes so defeated he's reduced to tears. His mask means he must often communicate with gestures like Hitler giving a speech on amphetamines. He is, in other words, a joy. 

And like the rest of us, sometimes he sabotaged himself, sometimes he was just unlucky.

The show is I think remembered for its craziness. What I was surprised to notice this time was that the show had some surprisingly admirable messages. The writing staff has a surprising percentage of women writing episodes, and it manages to be stalwart in its message of the equity of men and women. In fact, the show manages to ju jitsu a trope into serving a wider goal. Man being men in the Eighties, the guys are restricted to the "permissible" band of emotions most of the time. Women get the full spectrum and are used as stand-ins for when the full spectrum is needed. This is the trope. But because of this, throughout the first season the female Joes appear in every episode, because guess what, having people who express the full spectrum of emotions is dramatically useful. 

Similarly, the show comes across as inclusive, with the Joes coming from every corner of the United States, across a broad spectrum of backgrounds and classes. While some of these efforts definitely wouldn't pass muster today, (looking at you, Spirit, and your bald eagle named 'Freedom' instead of 'Custerfucker') you gotta start somewhere, and 1980s American TV was definitely still in Honkyton county. One episode even showed the Joes coming from diverse families. The execution of these values you can critique, or point and laugh at, but there's no doubt the motive behind them was genuine. 

It's a lot like the original Star Trek. By modern standards it was all over the place with its progressive values, but again, you have to start somewhere. Nichelle Nichols may have been wearing a skirt so short a matching bikini bottom was necessary, but that didn't stop a young Whoopi Goldberg from saying "Momma! There's a black lady on television and she ain't no maid!" when she first saw Lt. Uhura.

So, yeah. GI Joe is legit good, here's the Christmas Episode.

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I've no idea where the Joe base is; the show has it in a desert literally someplace in the continental US. (As a kid, I always wondered if this was the same desert the Autobots crashed in.) But wherever that is, it's snowing! Because it is Christmas!

The Joes (Shipwreck, Cover Girl, and Dusty) are in an Awestriker buggy, with a haul of presents for some toys for tots program. Polly (Shipwreck's parrot) is singing Jingle Bells, to the annoyance of Shipwreck. When suddenly, a Cobra Rattler starts strafing them! The Joes hide in some nearby rocks...and already I'm saying "wait, this was your plan?" The Rattler was to drive the Joes into this cover, where Cobra saboteur Firefly slips extra gifts onto the trailer - because God knows slipping gifts in a donation bin requires a ruse with aircraft and a hidden cave

With the deed done, the Rattler leaves. The Joes shrug and return to base. But we the viewer know the toys are sinister. 

 

 

The Joe HQ has minimal staff for Christmas, and is protected by a laser wall which physically blocks unauthorized visitors - a minor detail that will make sort-of sense for the plot in a minute. The Joes are sitting down to Christmas dinner, and thank god machine gunner Roadblock is a gourmet chef in addition to a large lad. He learned French so he could attend a French culinary school. He enlisted for the college money. Yes, he's still bitter about it. Here he is inventing Turduckin':

 

 The Joes minding the store this Christmas Eve in addition to Roadblock, (machine gunner, sometimes speaks in rhyming couplets) are Shipwreck (brawler, sailor, has intelligent parrot), Dusty (desert survival expert and tankist), Cover Girl (ex-model who joined because she's really into being a mechanic for tanks and heavy armor), Wild Bill (helicopter pilot and guy who is more Texas than Texas), Blowtorch (the Joe Firefighter slash flamethrower soldier who is coded gay at the start but, and this is true, becomes somewhat less coded as the series goes on, starting when he says the word 'antiques'), Mutt, (K-9 trooper with his dog, Junkyard, who's a good dog, yes he is), Tripwire (explosives expert), and Duke, GI Joe commander, or at least the highest ranking Joe in GI Joe's nebulous season 1 command structure.  

 

 

Things are going merrily until Mutt suddenly excuses himself from the party - Junkyard naturally follows. The snow is falling, the laser defense grid hums like a 1970s space ship engine, and Mutt has the blues. Wandering to the hanger where the presents are piled, Mutt confesses to Junkyard that he's always found Christmas a challenge - one that leaves him feeling down and sad rather than festive. Remember this point, because the show's about to forget it.

Mutt is interrupted by a Cobra attack!

 

 Cobra gets through the Joe defense grid by the ol' "Trojan horse" and "shrinking themselves down to the size of the toys the series is selling." The little grey robots are Cobra's Mark One robot trooper, which by most appearances seem to have the abilities of an actual 1980s robot, plus a laser cannon. Mutt and Junkyard and swarmed, then knocked out via gas. Cobra then lowers the laser barrier via smol airstrike:

The alarm triggers, and this gets the rest of the Joes outside where they can be momentarily mystified by the teeny tiny army attacking them.

Then Firefly uses a gun-device to enlarge the Cobra force. The war on Christmas has been declared. Firefly then drops the device and it breaks into pieces.

Cobra Commander says "seasonssss greetingsssss" in front of that sign, the message couldn't be clearer.

Despite being surrounded by guys with guns, tanks, robots, and some close air support aircraft,  Covergirl decides they can fight further without being gunned down for it.  A fight takes up a little time, even though the fight starts with the Joes vs. Cobra looking like this: 

Annoyed, Cobra knocks the Joes out with knockout gas, but not before Duke shouts the staggeringly useless advice "don't breathe!" 

We then get a rundown of Cobra's scheme:

1. Make a man-portable shrinking/enlarging device [x]

2. Shrink troops, infiltrate and capture GI Joe HQ during a period of minimal on-base staffing, then return troops to normal size [x]

3. Steal GI Joe aircraft/tanks [pending]

4. Attack nearby 'Keystone City', and ruin the Joes reputation/get the Joes convicted of treason [ ]

So the why is sensible, if we don't think about the how. We also see "Duke" make a brief, insane statement to Keystone City, saying "we're tired of serving the country! It's time the country served us!" This "Duke" is revealed to be Zartan in disguise.

 After Zartan does his reveal, Cobra inflicts wordplay on the Joes while locking them up (with Polly and Junkyard) in the walk-in freezer. Tripwire says "I think I hate puns." 

A few minutes later, after Cobra Commander checks to see how the flying the enemy aircraft thing is going, he returns to the freezer to gloat some more, even as the Baroness chides him for being childish. Shipwreck manages to unhook himself just as the door opens.

 CC comes in, and "gives" the Joes the key to the cuffs "just out of reach! Ah hahaha!" Cobra Commander even made a little red bow for it. 

  By the time the Joes break out and arm themselves, Cobra is already gone, closing on Keystone City. Only Destro is left behind, fixing his shrinker/enlarger. This leads to a fight and the creation of a bunch of kickass doll furniture:

Tripwire discovered that the shrinker/enlarger had a setting switch and enbiggens Polly back to normal size. "Polly feels dizzy" says Polly. Shipwreck places Polly on one of those tables shrunk in the above sequence who then departs with the rest of the Joes. The Joes use Cobra's abandoned equipment to attack Cobra.

The next scenes I'd summarize as civilians wondering why GI Joe is setting their shit on fire/blowing stuff up. Once the Joes - the Joebras, if you will - catch up with the false flag Cobras, the Joes unleash hell on them in a climactic battle full of "pew, pew pew pew" and whoosh KABOOM, etc. They are helped by Cobra being very slow to process the Joes are using Cobra equipment. 

The Cobra Rattler looks slick if you delete the upper turret.

Covergirl is pretty good at killing tanks, too.

Cobra Commander, in a Joe Skystriker, has Duke Handcuffed in the Weapon Officer seat. Cover Girl engages the Commander, but the Commander quickly turns the tables, even as Duke begins strangling him. CC blows off Covergirl's wing. For once GI Joe's terrible PPE game has consequences, and helmet-less Cover Girl is knocked out as her aircraft plummets to the earth. 

She is saved by Polly the Parrot, and let me explain. So, after the Joes left the Joe base, we see Polly grow to the size of a small airliner, presumably because of a malfunction in the shrinker/enlarger gun. In scene I'm pretty sure is referenced later in the manga Berserk (when Guts meets Nosferatu Zodd), Gigapolly takes flight. Oh! What rough beast slouches toward Bethlehem, waiting to be born? 

 While singing Jingle bells

Meanwhile, Duke and CC's Skystriker has gone into a spin. Cobra Commander remains defiant in the face of death

But not Gigapolly

CC must be pretty strong to lift up Duke like that against the thrust of the ejection seat. Duke is of course caught by Polly. 

So for a Christmas episode that's been not so much outside the box as slashing its way out of the blister pack with its sword arm attachment and setting fire to the display, things return to form for the end of this Christmas episode.

A parrot with the mass of a 757 brings somebody back, safe and sound

 There's kisses

A member of the USN confronts a pet grown to intimidating size

Mutt says (to paraphrase, but only slightly) "Huh, I feel better now. Merry Christmas!" Which I found hilarious, and it's one of those sneaky jokes the GI Joe Staff managed to put in. Mutt's Christmas problem is introduced and then resolved like it was a contractual obligation, and the entire rest of the episode is a mad tale about false flags and mad science. So in conclusion, this is one of those episodes where the staff was allowed to run wild and is knowingly camp, good episode, nowhere near the top five weirdest.

Finally Polly ducks down and acts as a Christmas card, screaming "MERRY CHRISTMAS! MERRY CHRISTMAS! AWWK!"

Shipwreck says "bah humbug" and slouches away.