Watching GI Joe: the Synthoid Conspericy Part 2

LAST TIME

ZARTAN! THEY'RE DOING IT AGAIN!

TONIGHT: ARE MUTT AND JUNKYARD KILLED? NO

    Rock and Roll says “don't move” as he rolls up in a Joe Silver Mirage, a sport motorcycle with a sidecar, two missiles, and a big honking laser cannon. With that, RnR blasts a hole in the chain link fence, allowing Mutt and Junkyard to escape. Before they go, Mutt shakes Rock and Roll's hand in this weird way that I've seen several times in western animation, but I have no idea where it comes from.

    They escape the base and run across a shallow brook. Still right next to the base, Mutt tells Junkyard “Cobra has to be behind this. But how did they turn our officers against us?” Destro steps into frame and offers to explain if Mutt will trust him. Mutt says no. Destro says 'eh', and hoses down Mutt and his dog with Cobra's Own brand strawberry daiquiri twist knockout gas.

MEANWHILE

    On an island that appears to be the caldera of a massive extinct volcano, there is a vast jungle swamp with a cobra base at the center. Cobra Commander is expositing. The whole Synthoid plot is explained, and this is forgivable, since this is a kids's show and we have to crack on. All that's important is Duke is a prisoner on this island.

    Duke gets knocked cold by his Crimson guard Jailers, then comes to, gets away from them, and manages to get as far as the swamp before he is chased, still handcuffed, by a Cobra Water Moccasin, which is a three ton airboat with dual 44mm auto cannons and a twin .50 cal machine gun mount specifically for littoral operations. In the cartoon at least it has space for a crew of three. Apocalypse Now would have been a better movie with it.

Pentagon-ish 

    We cut to a few days later, to the Pentagon, where Scarlet is “General Franks” secretary. She thinks this is bullshit, and rightfully so. Scarlet, for those that don't know, was one of the original GI Joes, and is established to be a S-tier martial artist, along with Quick Kick and Snake Eyes, and one of three Joe intel experts. Anyway, Scarlet is a proactive person, so by mid-morning on the first day of this new assignment she's fermenting rebellion via smartphone. She tells the synth Duke to spread the word; the Joes are going to have a midnight meeting 'in the old bunker.'  

"And get me more coffee!"

Immediately after: revolt

    SynthDuke reports this to Franks, who reports this to Cobra Commander. The idea is of course to jail the former joes. Franks also uses something ludicrous to do this: a folding briefcase sized machine with a tv screen that is flat!

Hopefully he waited until Scarlet clocked off.

I mean, lol, sure GI Joe

    Breaker, who non-joe job is exactly the same, detects the communications and triangulates that somebody in the Pentagon is talking to Cobra Island. That night, Junkyard wakes Mutt up, and they are some place they don't recognize. Pushing aside a massive banana leaf, Mutt discovers the island cobra base with active patrolling going on. I guess this means both GI Joe AND Cobra are terrible at perimeter defense.

    At the same time, all the Joes that can are attending this bunker meeting. In a goofy-but-nice visual touch, the only illumination comes from Scarlett's lantern. Breaker reveals the intercepted communication: “General Franks is yappin' with somebody here, on the open sea.” Flint says: “only two possibilities, then. Either a ship..” “...or an uncharted island!” Recondo finishes. The Joes quickly hash out a renegade plan to free Quick Kick and steal a bunch of skystrikers still at the Joe base before setting out to this ship or uncharted island. Synthduke dutifully snitches.

Bear in mind General Franks was in the Pentagon when he was talking to Cobra.

    You might know that Mattel has made a few GI Joe series after this one. I haven't seen all of them, but the one I like the best is GI Joe Renegades, where the Joes are criminals in an America where Cobra is a mega corporation. You can see how they might've gotten the idea from this episode, because the Joes as renegades are incredibly effective. Also, this bit always makes me laugh. In less time it takes to write this, they liberate QC, all their guns, and depart in a convoy of stolen fuel trucks.

    Rolling up on the Joe Base, it's quiet...too quiet. The Joes blast open the front gate then begin Operation HAVE JET A-1. Scarlet and few Joes enter the base proper, and find everything already moved out, except for Destro, who has been waiting for them. Destro then spills the beans on the Synthoid scheme. Destro also reveals he's here to help because Zartan and CC insulted him. While he is doing this, the synth Duke is pretty agro, accusing Destro of leading them into a trap...just when the US Army springs the trap.

    The Synth Generals have surrounded the Joe Base with tanks and infantry – debate on his trustworthiness over, Destro tells the Joes to meet him on his ship, the Valkyrie, and also pulls a trick to allow the Joes to get Airbourne without getting blown up. I'll link the video. When I first watched this, I remember being impressed that Destro was doing a drone strike. It's not that.

Flint is surprised

    Scarlet has to yell at Duke to get into a fighter jet; he's sounding a bit concussed again. Destro escapes with the Joes, flying a skystriker. Meanwhile, Duke has been on the run in the swamp for the past 12 hours; he's still handcuffed. We go to a commercial break as an alligator attack threatens. (Note, that's not a Cobra vehicle, actual alligators.) When we come back, Duke and then Mutt toss out the two Cobra goons, and make [Cobra Airboat Pilot] hostage. The two Cobra mooks are left to the alligators.

And they died horribly.

    At sunrise the Joes and Destro have arrived at his ship, the Valkyrie.

I know this is petty but the aviation nerd in me can't help but notice the small flaw in this.

    While Destro's totes adorbs robots refuel the Skystrikers, it becomes apparent that Scarlet is now has her eye on synthDuke, who tries and fails to snitch on developments.

MEANWHILE

    Mutt and Jeff  Duke are doing what Cobra will least expect: a frontal attack on the Cobra base. “So stupid you are caught off guard” worked for Hitler in the channel dash, I guess. As CC is moving the base to Yellow Alert, a Water Moccasin zips through the closing bulkhead door and hits the dock as a very high speed before smashing into some empty crates. Our heroes are unhurt and split up to look for the real VIPs.

MEANWHILE

     Destro lacks chairs but confirms where the Cobra base is, but then reveals that one of the Joes is a synthoid. SynthDuke objects, saying Destro is trying to sow dissension among the Joes. Destro responds “whatev, I don't really give a shit about anything except CC and Zartan learning you shouldn't fuck with me. Your planes are fueled, please leave now.” SynthDuke draws many a hard look from the Joes as they'd just sat down to breakfast.

MEANWHILE

    Mutt finds the VIPs, and Junkyard confirms they are not bad 'uns, as the flight of Skystrikers begin their attack. Cobra, however, is ready, and a peremiter of radio controlled heavy laser AA open fire. Lots of lightsabre sounds here as the AA is so heavy it traps a few skystrikers inside a cauldron of fire that then shreads their skystrikers. Scarlet is going down, and says she can't eject, and Duke should save himself. This Duke does, though Scarlet then ejects with a knowing smile on her face.

 

Despite the fact the Joes are reduced to laser M16s, they continue fighting the heavy laser cannons surrounding them. Scarlet manages to follow Duke as he uses a secret base entrance, where the two fight, with Scarlet using real martial arts to smack synthDuke around until somehow knocking Scarlet down in a bull rush. 

 

    Scarlet's execution seems imminent until real Duke shows up to fight synthDuke. In a development so obvious I feel embarrassed to even tell you about it happens when fake and real Duke both tell Scarlet to shoot the synth. The...Star Trekian? standoff ends when the Brass and Mutt show up, and Junkyard attacks synthDuke, who runs away.

    SynthDuke runs to Cobra Commander. “Don't shoot, I'm the synthDuke!” he shouts. CC takes out the neutralizer to make sure he's not lying (I mean, might as well shoot him) and before Zartan can react, presses the button. Duke, Scarlet, and Mutt burst in to see synthDuke melt into a puddle of grey sludge, while Zartan says to CC “you fool! You terminated all the synthoids!” because naturally Zartan's box with its shitty, shitty, interface defaults to MAX RANGE or something. We cut to the synthBrass, who unluckily are giving speeches about how Cathloics are not real Christians and how diversity is a weakness, not a strength, when they too turn into grey goo.

    Zartan and CC run away, Cobra Commander blaming Zartan for this turn of events. Our heroes shoot the Laser AA switchboard, disabling the remote control AA, and when I say disable, I mean self destruct. Last really quick scene, the real brass say “GI Joe, the highly trained special mission force, is restored!” YO JOE, ETC.

FIN