Watching GI Joe: The Synthoid Conspiracy
Structurally, a lot of GI Joe's craziness comes out of needing to make things intelligible to children. While GI Joe targeted an older demo than Transformers, it also had to make sometimes entirely new concepts something kids could grasp, especially if it was important to the story. This will explain...well, a lot of things, especially in the opening scene. Also, this two-parter was written by Christy Marx, who wrote several good, notable episodes of the series. I forget if I've mentioned this, but GI Joe does an admirably good job at having women being able to do anything a man can; and I think part of that was having a gender balance in its writing staff.
Anyway
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| Walt Disney Class Destroyer |
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| We don't really get a good establishing shot of the brass, so from the Left is General Howe, Col. Sharp, General Franks, and Admiral Ledger. |
MEANWHILE
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| The size of Cobra Submarines are extremely variable, but I'm going to say it is at least the size of the I-400. |
A Cobra sub lurks Cobra Commander and Destro are on it, and Destro is for once in the dark as to what is going on, having invited himself on this submarine cruise. They are watching the Top Brass on their big video screen and Cobra Commander is smugly ignoring Destro.
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| Don't we all sometimes have a little Destro behind us, trying to get our attention? |
AT THE SAME TIME
Shipwreck is hitting on Scarlett, so Scarlett hits Shipwreck. Both are dispatched to this wargame, but not before Shipwreck sends the message "no hard feelings" to Scarlett, which is nice. So Klaxons sound, people run to Skystrikers, and the wargame is on. The start of the Joe operation is also the start of the Cobra Plan - CC, holding back on explaining everything for once, tells Destro that this is HIS AND ZARTAN'S plan to destroy GI Joe. We get introduced to the Synthoids - completely artificial pod people which are loyal to Cobra. CC demonstrates how controllable they are by getting the Synthoids to worship him. These synthoids are of the four US Mil commanders on the ship, so we can see where this is going. This still angers Destro, who openly despises Zartan and vice versa. Given the litany of failure that is Zartan and the Dreadnoks, I suspect CC made Zartan a VP just to annoy Destro.
The Skystrikers attack the three tankers - to no effect, their missiles all veering into the water.
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| Damnit, Hughes! You had ONE JOB |
The observing brass on the ship think something is wrong, and this is proven seconds later when the presumably unmanned tankers open secret doors and the Dreadnoks appear flying Fang helicopters They then attack the Skystrikers and manage to shoot down Duke, Joe Commander. (Ace also manages to talk to Duke while he is in his parachute despite Ace being still in his fighter jet.) The Brass immediately put together what has happened: Cobra jammed the missiles and is now attacking. The Admiral is turning to tell the ship's crew to engage when Cobra plays its next card. Behind the Top Brass, Zartan reveals he was disguised as one of the General's adjutants, and hoses down the four men with Cobra Commander's own Memories of Key Lime Pie flavor knockout gas. It is super effective. For some 'commercials are starting' peril, one of the Dreadnoks takes his diamond studded chainsaw and cuts the ropes of Duke's parachute, cheating the fact that the Fang's rotor would have done it first. C'est la vie
As Duke is rescued from drowning/being eaten by a shark by a Joe Shark [flying submarine thing] piloted by Deep Six and assisted by the confusingly named scuba diver Torpedo, a [looks up name for a group of eels] a bind of Cobra Morays attack, laying a smoke screen between the destroyer and the Flagg. The next play of Cobra's plan; using a very silly...mechanical arm? Cobra bashes through the Destroyer's giant picture windows on the bridge and inserts their fake brass, while kidnapping the knocked out real thing. The Cobra sub then submerges and retreats, the US military none the wiser.
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| I mean if you didn't think Zartan had a weird realdoll collection I don't know what to tell you |
Listen, subtle will take too long, just smash through the front window
On the sub we get a little more exposition when CC/Zartan make a synthoid Destro and have it worship Cobra Commander, entirely to needle Destro. Destro flies into a rage before Cobra Commander, of all people, tells him to chill as they are demonstrating something. CC has a box with a very poor interface (I mean this is Zartan to a T, ignoring all those design docs Cobra has) that will cause the Synthoid to revert to a pile of silvery slime.
Before he melts synth Destro, Zartan has to physically yank the box out of CC's hands, because it's set to kill all deployed Synths, as opposed to the one in the room. Cobra Commander is actually apologetic, and when Destro follows up, asking who in GI Joe has been Synth-asized, Cobra Commander declines to say, saying “that will keep for now.” For those who don't know, Cobra Commander not only typically does villain's exposition, he often has visual aids made up to help him.
If you are thinking CC is a synth and Zartan is trying to take over Cobra, know that...is a bit too clever for this TV show. Actually that might have been the original idea – I get the feeling this story might have had a few drafts test audiences didn't follow too well, so they don't want to be overly fancy, least “is he a synth” because the new “Baroness in disguise”: something that can happen at literally any time.
Anyway, the evil plan is laid out:
1) Develop artificial life forms that can convincingly act as pod people replacements to anybody; [X]
2) Replace GI Joe's commanders with same; [X]
3) Destroy and humiliate GI Joe; [ ]
4) Punch and Pie. [ ]
Pretty simple by Cobra Standards.
Meanwhile, 'General Franks' wants to see Duke right away. Scarlet goes along with; the synth quartet proceeds to blame Duke and the Joes for all of this, basically not wanting to hear that Cobra was involved, and sending the Joes back to base. Next Scene, 'General Franks' and 'Howe' in the first Pentagon budget meeting ever in a kid's TV show recommend cutting GI Joe's funding 50% and 100% respectively.
Because this show is 21 minutes long, these budget cuts take effect instantly, and we see a montage of Joes struggling with no money. Covergirl, (former model who really got into tanks): “How do they expect us to fix our equipment without parts?!” Rock and Roll, machine gunner, goes for target practice and gets a dozen rounds at the bottom of a cardboard box. Scarlet and Duke are walking with the Joe dorms (?) in the background, and Junkyard the dog bound up to Duke, happy to see him. He's a good boy! Yes he is! Then we get all the Joes running up to them with problems, and just the way it is staged, I think it's a parody of something? A Disneyland commercial?
Ace: (Skystriker pilot): “We don't have enough fuel to get one plane off the ground!”
Covergirl: “I can't get parts for the tanks!”
Clutch: “And we're running out of oil and gas!”
Rock n' Roll: “Ammunition's down to nothin'!”
Barbecue: “I can't even get propane for my flamethrower!”
All Joes: “DUUKKKEE, the whole base is falling apart!”
Duke takes it up with 'Col. Sharp', who says “what do you want? Your budget has been cut. Take it up with General Franks, he's coming for an inspection.”
That's when the Cobra Air Force attacks
In very short order the Joe Skystrikers get Pearl Harbor'd by the cloud of Cobra Rattlers. Duke, separated from Scarlet by force major, encounters the Dreadnoks. Seeing it's a fight, Duke attacks the guy holding the Diamond chainsaw first, and knock him on the ground before a cloaked Zartan appears and hoses Duke down with the Key lime knockout gas. Meanwhile, the static air defenses are not doing badly – until they run out of ammo. Scarlet is about to take out a Fang with a goddamn explosive crossbow bolt until the bike she and Rock and Roll are in runs out of gas. Scarlet says “Ugh! How can they expect us to defend the base if they don't give us equipment that works?” Which to me is a silent satire of the Canadian Forces
'Duke' appears and climbs aboard Covergirl's big fuckoff AA missile tank – and then Cobra retreats, which the local Joes find odd, since the honkies were winning. Props to Duke's VA here – 'Duke' is of course a Synthoid, and nearly all of his lines are off in a way that sells that this isn't the real Duke to the intended audience. This first line makes it sound like 'Duke' is drunk, and his delivery varies from 'oddly unsure' to 'actually concussed.' In a string of failures, SynthDuke manages to confuse Covergirl with Scarlet, then get Mutt and Junkyard's names wrong. Junkyard isn't fooled, because dogs always know.
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| I'm not saying Whiskey Pete is a synthoid; all I'm saying is that all good dogs hate Pete Hegseth. |
'General Franks' then arrives and is irate; he shouts “Who's in charge here?” Duke ums and ahs and looks to Scarlet, who, somewhat incredulous, takes charge, telling the General that the burning slag of former aircraft is his fault for cutting GI Joe's budget. General Franks ignores her, saying he doesn't like her tone.
Meanwhile, on one of those giant VTOL Cobra transports, Cobra Commander meets Zartan and a handcuffed Duke. Pleasantries are exchanged, and Cobra Commander, naturally, reveals that the Joes don't even know Duke is gone, because they have some sort of doppelganger in his place (raspy maniacal laughter.)
Back to the Joes and 'General Franks': Franks blames the Joes for the destruction of their own base, because if they didn't exist, Cobra wouldn't have anything to bomb. Meanwhile Rock n' Roll and Mutt are refueling the motorcycle a short distance away. “Mutt, is the General talking about us?” he asks. Junkyard is going a bit nuts
Meanwhile, the synthoid Franks continues: “by the power vested in me by the President of the United States, I order you to disband! There is no more GI Joe!” This is obviously pretty shocking, which explains how a very large, angry doberman-pit bull mix can run at the General and then leap and slam him into the ground. Despite the dog doing its job (knocking people to the ground without seriously injuring them and making firm suggestions that they stay still) the General, once the dog is off him, orders the dog destroyed. 'Duke' physically holds Scarlet back, saying the General is right. Mutt of course defends Junkyard, kicking one of the approaching MPs in the face, then running away. General Franks orders the MPs to gun down Mutt and Junkyard, with even the MPs balking at shooting someone unarmed who is running away. Franks grabs a gun, but as he has Mutt in his sights Quick Kick gives a quick kick, knocking the rifle out of General Frank's hands. Franks, now shaking with rage, has Quick Kick arrested for striking an officer. As the rest of the Joes watch horror struck as the MPs force a dress shirt on Quick Kick, Rock n' Roll volunteers to chase Mutt and Junkyard on his missile armed motorcycle, pursuing the doggy duo down an alley, saying “Don't move!"
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